What’s Common In Molestation Of Women And Men
These days a lot of women are coming forward with their stories of surviving various kinds of sexual misconduct. Also coming are the stories of men being molested. Sadly, to trivialize women’s stories as if it is some part of a contest.
I have a few incidents that occurred with me. While I wish more men could discuss stories of their harassment, I didn’t feel any enmity with the women who’re coming up with their stories. It felt as if we were on the same boat and needed to help each other out. I’m listing the incidents that happened with me below and the insights I could draw from them to better treat a survivor.
The Incidents
Trigger Warning: Stories of Sexual Misconduct
Sometime this year, a guest showed up at our house to stay overnight. He was a son of a mom’s friend, in early 20’s, tall, huge, and wearing all kinds of religious stones. There’s a double bed in my room. I was asked to share the room with him. At one point in the night, he says he’s afraid of the dark and comes closer to me. I think maybe he has some kind of phobia, so I adjust. Later, he’s undressed and asks me to remove my shirt. At this point, I freaked out but still said, “No, Thanks. I’m alright.” (Not sure why I continued to be polite). He tries to remove my shirt himself, I resisted it firmly with hands saying, “Let it be.” He takes my hands and places on his bare chest and says something like “Can you feel this? I want to check yours. I want to know how you lost weight.” I just push him off, turn around and sleep. Two-three hours later, the day dawned. I went down and first told the mom. Mom says, “Chup re! Kaahi tari kay boltoyes?” (Translation: Shut up! Don’t just say whatever comes to you.)
I was slightly taken aback. But I could’ve seen this reaction coming though coz it had happened before too. When I was 6–7 years old, mom handed me a five rupee note and asked to get a haircut. So, I go to the Barber’s. There’s no one except me and the barber. He cuts my hair, but later looks around and puts his tongue in my mouth, on and off for 10–15 minutes, bites my lips in the process, and let’s go. I pay him five rupees and go home. I tell to mom that the barber bit my lips, she said, “Kaahi tari bolu nako. Cuttingwala tujhe hot ka chaavel?” [Translation: “Don’t just say anything. Why would a barber bite your lips?”] So, I was ready for mom’s similar response later.
What I wasn’t ready for was my Dad’s reaction. He said, “Why does this always happen only to you?” I wasn’t sure what he meant by it. Was he saying I was making this up? Was he saying I’m doing it for attention? Was he saying I invite that reaction in some way? Was he saying I like being a victim? I don’t know what did he imply with that question. By the way, my dad never knew about the Barber’s incident. He was referring to a completely different incident.
When I was 12–13 years old, my uncle had passed away. And all the old relatives showed for the rituals. They’d stay for 10–14 days. The sleeping arrangements when guests show up is according to the genders. All the men, young and old, slept in one place, all the women slept in another place. I was sleeping next to one old grandpa. One night, I found that grandpa was sleeping with his hand on my crotch. I didn’t know better. Next night, the same thing happened. So, the next night I decided to sleep next to someone else. I wake up in the night, that grandpa is again next to me with his hand again on my crotch. This happens twice more till I start revealing it to my cousins and a sister. Parents were informed, but their main strategy was to just let the ritual duration pass and the predatory grandpa will leave. This was the incident, I think, that dad was referring to when asking — Why does it only happen to you?
The Insight I Got
The biggest insight I got from my experience is that when a person shares their story, the most hurtful reaction to it is dismissal. Unfortunately, that is also the first many people’s reaction.
I would’ve been grateful if people started with – Are you okay? Tell me everything? Do you need something? What are you feeling? Would you like any help with that?
Basically, first attending to the needs of the survivor rather than trying to fix the blame on something.
Now, I must admit none of these incidents scarred me for life. (My self-image was more affected by my not making it to IITs, or not writing jokes that were funny enough.)I must admit that being a man allowed me a certain privilege. I wasn’t exposed to these incidents as a routine which most of the women are. Also, I had resources to go to a therapist. Also, in the later incidents, I had a support system of my sister and friends who had gone through this behavior. I could see how in absence of these, I could have resented people and seen everything cynically.
I should also mention that I don’t hold any of this against my parents. I have the privilege of being in a time where emotions are starting to be addressed. National Television shows like ‘Satyameva Jayate’ conducts workshops about ‘Good Touch – Bad Touch’. Kids cartoons like Steven Universe deal with complex topics like anxiety, abuse, etc., I have the privilege of reading about Non-Violent Communication. They didn’t have exposure to any of these alternative ways of dealing with difficult issues.
But thanks to internet, our generation can collectively be more empathetic to each other. I hope we do.